Ramin Keyvan and Tommy Sporleder open this episode the Tuesday after Memorial Day, mid-chaos, and make adaptability the word of the day. Their core argument is straightforward: life does not go according to plan, ever, and the people who internalize that reality and adjust fluidly will always outperform those who insist the world conform to their expectations. The conversation covers emotional regulation, the damage of sustained anger, the value of a trusted circle of men, and the quiet cost of rigid thinking passed down by fathers and grandfathers who went to their graves lonely and bitter. Both hosts speak from personal experience -- Ramin's anger management journey in his mid-40s, Tommy's growing awareness of how quickly a dark mood can consume everything around him -- and frame adaptability not as passivity but as disciplined, conscious choice. The episode closes with a call to own your reactions, protect your peace, and stop participating in drama and division that serves nobody.
Key Points
Life does not move in a straight line. It arrives from all directions at once, and expecting otherwise is a setup for constant frustration.
Adaptability is not weakness. Over the long run, the most adaptable people are also the most successful, because they do not waste energy fighting reality.
The only thing you control is your reaction. The event already happened. What you do next is the only variable still on the table.
Sustained anger is self-inflicted. Other people do what they do regardless. Choosing to hold onto it afterward is your decision, not theirs.
The fastest path through a problem is to accept it, stop feeding it with energy, and find the route around it. Whatever you pour energy into grows -- including problems.
Teaching children to sit with frustration rather than release it is a disservice. The skill worth building is letting go, not performing emotions.
Men who refuse to talk, lean on others, or seek help tend to end up isolated and angry. The "strong and silent" model has a body count.
A trusted circle is not optional. It is the mechanism by which men work through things rather than spiral through them alone.
Imperturbability -- the quality of being genuinely unmoved by chaos -- changes how everyone around you relates to you, in business, at home, and in friendship.
Division and tribalism spread because people let them. Adaptability means choosing your own path rather than letting someone else's agenda define your reactions.
Embracing the good is as important as managing the bad. Most people spend far more energy cataloguing losses than sitting with wins.
You are not responsible for anyone else's emotions, choices, or existence -- only your own. That boundary, once internalized, is freeing rather than cold.
Quotable Moments
Quotable moments are auto-generated from the transcript. Speaker attribution and quote accuracy should be verified against the original source before republishing or sharing.
Ramin Keyvan
"Your choice of behavior determines the long-term outcome. End of conversation. You have no control over the thing that happened. The only thing you have control over is how you react."
Why it works -- strips the whole discussion down to one clean principle with no room for negotiation. It does not comfort; it clarifies.
Ramin Keyvan
"The universe has a very sick and perverse sense of humor. The moment you think 'I got this,' the universe goes -- oh yeah, let's see about that."
Why it works -- lands the humility point without being preachy. The humor makes it stick in a way a straight lecture would not.
Tommy Sporleder
"The sooner I realize -- Tommy, check yourself. Check your emotion. Check your language pattern. Check your volume. Check your everything. Take a deep breath. Ground. Breathe. It's all going to be okay."
Why it works -- honest and specific. This is a man describing his actual internal process, not a motivational abstraction. That specificity makes it credible.
Ramin Keyvan
"Be in the world but not part of it. Your participation, as they say, is not required."
Why it works -- a tight, portable line that captures the whole episode's argument in one breath. Easy to carry out of the conversation and use.
Concepts & Ideas
Core Framework
Adaptability as a Survival Trait
Adaptability is not the ability to be endlessly flexible or to have no standards. It is the refusal to insist that the world conform to your expectations when it clearly will not. Over time, rigid people break under pressure while adaptable people find routes through and around it.
The Reaction Is the Only Variable
Every event is already done by the time you respond to it. The thing that happened is fixed. The only real choice remaining is how you respond to it. This is not a motivational platitude -- it is a practical narrowing of the field to what is actually actionable.
Energy Feeds What It Touches
Whatever you put sustained attention and energy into tends to grow. This applies to goals, relationships, and skills -- but it applies equally to problems, grievances, and resentments. Pouring energy into a problem does not dissolve it. It enlarges it.
Emotional Regulation
The Difference Between Feeling and Staying
Both hosts are explicit that emotions are valid and should not be suppressed. The issue is duration. Getting angry is human. Choosing to remain in anger when it no longer serves any purpose is a different thing entirely -- and it is a choice, even when it does not feel like one.
Self-Awareness as Gatekeeper
Tommy describes catching himself mid-spiral by noticing his language patterns, volume, and body state. The mechanism is self-awareness deployed in real time -- not reflection after the fact. The person who can notice the state while inside it has a window to change it. The person who cannot is just riding it out.
Imperturbability
Ramin uses the word deliberately. To be imperturbable is to have a stable interior that external events cannot easily penetrate. This is not emotional deadness -- it is groundedness. And it radiates outward. People around a genuinely grounded person tend to behave differently toward them.
Feelings Are Data, Not Commands
The book "F*ck Feelings" gets a mention here for a reason. Feelings inform. They do not have to direct. The question worth asking is not "how do I feel?" but "what is this feeling getting me?" If the answer is nothing useful, the feeling has served its informational purpose and can be released.
Social Architecture
The Cost of the Island
Men who operate in isolation -- no circle, no outlet, nobody to reality-check them -- tend to spiral when things go wrong. The romantic notion of the self-sufficient man collapses under sustained pressure. You cannot process what you cannot discuss, and you cannot discuss what you will not admit.
Iron Sharpens Iron
The show's founding premise. A circle of men with similar standards and a commitment to honesty will push each member toward better thinking and behavior. Not because they agree on everything, but because they are willing to say the uncomfortable things a friend needs to hear.
The Inherited Rigidity Problem
Both hosts acknowledge that their fathers and grandfathers modeled stoicism-as-suppression rather than stoicism-as-groundedness. That inheritance is visible in men who go to their graves angry and isolated. Recognizing the pattern is the first step to not repeating it.
Boundaries and Ownership
Non-Participation as Strategy
Not every drama, conflict, or crisis requires your involvement. "Be in the world but not part of it" is the formulation Ramin uses. Choosing not to participate is not avoidance -- it is a deliberate allocation of attention and energy toward things that actually matter to you.
Owning Only What Is Yours
You are responsible for your reactions, your behavior, and your choices. You are not responsible for anyone else's emotions, actions, or decisions. That boundary sounds obvious and is rarely practiced. Collapsing it -- adapting yourself to manage everyone else's feelings -- is a different kind of rigidity dressed up as flexibility.
Implementation
Implementation steps are auto-generated from the transcript content and are provided for informational purposes only. They do not constitute professional advice of any kind. Always consult a qualified professional before acting on any information presented here.
1
Build a real-time interrupt signal
Tommy describes catching himself by checking his language pattern, volume, and body state while still in the moment. Identify your own early-warning signals -- the ones that tell you a spiral is starting before it takes over. Write them down. The goal is not to suppress the signal but to notice it fast enough that you still have a window to redirect.
2
Practice the acceptance-first sequence
When something goes wrong, run a two-step internal sequence before doing anything else: first, accept that the thing happened and cannot be undone; second, ask what route around it exists. This separates the event from the response and keeps energy moving toward solutions rather than feeding the problem itself.
3
Audit your anger for utility
The next time you feel sustained anger about something, ask the question Ramin asks: what purpose does continued anger serve here? Who benefits? Be honest. If the answer is nobody, that is actionable information. The anger has done its job of flagging the problem. Keeping it after that point is optional and you are choosing it.
4
Identify your circle and activate it
Make a short list of the men in your life who will tell you the truth, show up when things go sideways, and who you are willing to be honest with in return. If the list is short or empty, that is the problem to solve first. One honest conversation a week with someone in your corner is more stabilizing than most formal interventions.
5
Stop managing other people's emotional states
Notice how often you adapt your behavior not because circumstances changed but because someone else is uncomfortable and you want to smooth it over. That is not adaptability -- it is a habit of absorbing other people's emotional regulation work. Own what is yours. Leave the rest with the person it belongs to.
6
Choose non-participation deliberately
When you find yourself drawn into drama, conflict, or a situation that has nothing to do with your actual life, pause and ask whether your participation is required. In most cases it is not. Stepping back is not indifference -- it is the recognition that attention and energy are finite and the allocation of them is your decision.
7
Make time for the wins
Both hosts flag the tendency to move straight through a good outcome toward the next problem without pausing to register it. Set a small, deliberate practice of naming one thing that went well before the day ends. The point is not gratitude journaling for its own sake -- it is recalibrating a brain that defaults to threat-scanning.
8
Read the source material
Both hosts reference two books that sit directly under this conversation: "F*ck Feelings" by Michael Bennett and Sarah Bennett, and "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson. A third, "Let Them" by Mel Robbins, is mentioned briefly. All three deal with the same core problem from slightly different angles. Start with whichever framing matches your current situation.
Transcript
This transcript was auto-generated and may contain errors in speaker attribution, transcription accuracy, or formatting. Long transcripts may be truncated due to processing limits. Confirm accuracy and completeness against the original source before referencing or republishing.
[00:05]
Ramin Keyvan: Hi and welcome back to another episode of Society of Likeminded Men. I'm your host Ramin Keyvan, chief grumpy guy.
Tommy Sporleder: Iron sharpens iron. That's why we have this and why we do this -- society of likeminded men. We come from kind of the same mold, or we have similar standards and beliefs, or we're trying to get to that point where you can be more productive, more sane.
Ramin: Increased sanity usually equals increased stability in life. As you and I were just discussing off camera, life is not linear. It doesn't go in a straight line. Life comes at you from all directions simultaneously.
Tommy: It really does. We're right now dealing with FTA stuff, but there's even personal stuff. And so we said, let's make the word adaptability.
Ramin: Those who are adaptable in the long run are more successful by definition because they're not so rigid that they say it has to happen this way -- when in reality it really doesn't have to happen that way. If that's the mode you operate in all the time, sooner or later you're going to be tuned up. It causes unnecessary stress for you and everybody around you. Life doesn't go the way we plan. Usually every once in a while it does, and that's why you're surprised.
Tommy: You can plan all day long -- days and weeks and months and years in advance. But think about your life on a daily scale: when you plan things out, how often does it work exactly to plan?
Ramin: Almost never. And you have to be okay with that. That's reality. If you're not adaptable at all, or if having to adapt to changing situations just frustrates the hell out of you, then you need to reassess. Because you will be in a constant state of anxiety, frustration, and anger. What's the point of that? Do you want to live your life in an angry mode?
Tommy: Even with all this stuff happening today -- I'm here and I'm like, I'm going to go talk to my man because I enjoy this. And that's part of having the discussions, working through it and having people in your circle, your failings, your thing that you can talk through, instead of just being on an island by yourself.
Ramin: There have been historically this notion that you have to be a stoic man. That's not real. There are times when being stoic is absolutely essential. But you need to identify those times, be stoic when needed, and other times just be adaptable and not take the world so damn seriously.
Tommy: A lot of us grow up in situations that are not perfect, and so some people try to control their world by the way they eat, some with drugs and alcohol. But the news flash is there is no control, ever. And the minute you think you have it under control, or the minute you think you've got it all figured out -- guess what's going to happen?
[05:00]
Ramin: It doesn't matter what age you are. The moment you think you've got control, you are lying to yourself. The world will put you in your place. The universe has a very sick and perverse sense of humor. The moment you think "I got this," the universe goes -- oh yeah, let's see about that.
Ramin: Adaptability is the key. At some level you're going to be presented with things that are not perfect. Your choice then is how you react to it. Your choice of behavior determines the long-term outcome. End of conversation. You have no control over the thing that happened. The only thing you have control over is how you react.
Tommy: That's huge. And that's one thing I've learned and really focused on in the last five or six years -- becoming more aware of it. Stuff's going to happen to you, good, bad, or indifferent. The game changer is how you react to those changes. That will change your life and your existence -- your anger level, your frustration level, everything. It's how you respond to life.
Ramin: The thing that nobody teaches you -- a lot of parents will have a child that reacts badly to something, and they'll say "oh it's okay, honey" and pet them. The unspoken message is it's okay for you to feel bad. No. What you need to do is teach your child how to understand what has happened, accept the fact that things didn't go their way, and let it go. Those who can let it go fastest have a better life. That's it.
Tommy: There's a lot of things being taught out there that remain in a state of frustration and anger. I accept the fact that you were angry about a thing -- totally valid. What purpose does continued anger serve? In what world does that benefit you, the people you love, your coworker? Nobody.
Ramin: It's human nature to get pissed off about stuff. If you look at human history, the entirety of it is about who's been meaner and nastier to who. But the focus should go to: I'm mad about it, now I'm going to get over my anger and figure out how to solve this or make sure it doesn't happen again. That's where invention and ideas come from. If you just want to stay in the state of being pissed off, everything piles up and builds on itself. And in what universe is that useful?
Ramin: Yes, things are not going to go your way. Yes, other people are going to be inconsiderate and rude. They live in their own little bubble. You don't need to participate in that bubble. You can go -- you go do you -- and walk away.
[10:02]
Tommy: There were moments and times in my life where I operated in a constant state of just being pissed off. I'm generally a positive, happy-go-lucky kind of person, but when I get in those states -- what I found now is that when I stay in that state for very long, everything else in my life goes that direction and it piles up. But the sooner I realize: Tommy, check yourself. What the hell are you doing? Check your emotion. Check your language pattern. Check your volume. Check your everything. Take a deep breath. Ground. Breathe. It's all going to be okay.
Tommy: Once you're aware -- just know that you can adapt to any situation. And even when good things happen, be adaptable to those too. Embrace the wins. We don't spend enough time embracing the wins. If you really look at your life, it's full of good stuff. We take a lot of it for granted, like somehow we're entitled to it.
Ramin: If you have a roof over your head, running water, toilets that flush, food in the fridge, a family that loves you -- even just one of those things -- you're blessed. Ask yourself: what am I getting out of this? If it's something good, continue. If it's not something good, stop it. I was a rage-aholic when I was much younger. Angry about everything. At some point a friend of mine said "Dude, you need to go do something about this." And so in my mid-40s I enrolled in an anger management class.
Tommy: But you did something about it. You didn't stay in that constant state. Could you imagine if you were still there now?
Ramin: I would have died of a heart attack by now. Life is too awesome for me to constantly be there. And here's the other part: when somebody does something that pisses you off, you allowed that. They're going to do that thing anyway. If you choose to get angry, that's on you. They're not making you angry. You're making yourself angry about that thing. And then you choose to hang on to it.
[15:02]
Ramin: Being self-aware and being your own gatekeeper -- emotional gatekeeper, time gatekeeper, everything. You are a centered individual. You have your own boundaries, your own time, your own emotions. You have to make yourself imperturbable. It basically means people can't mess with you. Things can't mess with you. And that will positively impact your relationships with your life partners, your children, business partners, clients. If they see you as a rock, people sense that -- whether they're consciously sensing it or not -- and they become more respectful of that. The nature of your interactions will change.
Tommy: There's a book called "F Feelings" -- it's actually "F*ck Feelings" -- and it's written by two psychologists. And there's also "Let Them" by Mel Robbins. We'll post both. There's also "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck." These are great reads. Add them to your library and internalize the messaging. It basically says: be your own gatekeeper. Don't let the world mess with you. You don't deserve that. But understand -- if you let the world mess with you, the key word is let. You chose to allow that. Stop it. Own your own stuff.
Ramin: Don't let someone else own you, your existence, your feelings, your emotions, your time. Be your own advocate. Because if you're not, nobody else is going to be. Even psychologists and therapists -- some of the most successful ones are speaking from experience. There's a lot of reality in "do as I say, not as I do." And that's why we meet once a week and we talk and we have our circle of people. That's how you get through it.
[20:02]
Ramin: Surround yourself with a group of men -- brothers in arms -- that you can go to with this stuff. The notion that men should be strong and lonely is nonsense. Guys who don't want to talk about these things will suffer for it later. But surround yourself with men who actually understand, because the notion that you have to be strong like a bull and isolated is wrong.
Tommy: When I spoke to my father and uncles about therapy, you were looked upon like you really screwed up. But one of the best things I ever did for myself was get some therapy. Someone who can be truthful and honest with you. Because otherwise life happens -- it comes at you from all different angles. And if you have nobody to talk to, you're going to slowly spiral into the darkness. Because there's nobody there to go, "Hey man, you need anything? You want to talk about something?" All of this stuff connects. None of these subjects are in their own little vacuum. All of them are interconnected.
Ramin: So yes, you have to be adaptable. When something changes, say: okay, that has happened. Yes, that's annoying. Now, how do I fix it? Because fixing it will make the whole emotional part go away instantly. As men, we tend to want to fix things. When we can't fix things, it causes us emotional distress. That's why when you have a sick spouse or something like that -- you can't fix that. And that can send men straight into the toilet if they don't have anybody to lean on. So be there for your friends. Reach out. Go out for coffee. Do something.
Tommy: The key is to let it go. Some of the fixing is just a midcourse correction. You take a slight step to the left or right and ease into a different path. Instead of being a bull in a china shop -- I'm going to make this work no matter what -- and then you're sitting there hours later, still fighting.
Ramin: Our fathers and grandfathers were like that. And whether we like to admit it or not, many of them have gone to their grave as angry, lonely men. And I don't want to be one of those. There are people still out there -- older than me, some younger -- that are existing in that realm, and some of them have given up. When did you just give up on life?
[25:00]
Ramin: It's a complete lie that men have been told -- that there is no outlet. You cannot learn to be adaptable if you think there's no outlet, because you're not going to try. So hear us when we tell you: there is an outlet. You can be adaptable. You can make changes in your life to make your world a better place to be.
Tommy: People have accused me of living in rose-colored glasses. And I'm like -- if that's what I'm known for versus the guy who thinks the sky is falling all the time, okay, I'll take it. I genuinely love people and I love the world and I love society and I think there is so much yet to be discovered. I just want to see people enjoy their lives. Because when you're in a place where people smile and shake hands and say "How are you doing, brother?" -- how much better is that than the world where people are hollering and screaming? We're becoming more divided because we're allowing them to do that to us. We're choosing that path. People are not adapting.
Ramin: When somebody says you need to hate that other person -- my initial question is: why, and who are you to tell me anything? I don't even know anything about that person. Why would I hate them? In what universe is that useful? Much of what gets said with some gravitas behind it is complete and utter nonsense.
Tommy: It's sad to see families and friends torn apart because of people not being able to adapt and taking it so damn seriously. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and leave it. Does it really matter? I don't care -- it's not that I don't care, but I don't care.
Ramin: I don't give a crap what color you are, what gender, what race, how old you are. Why is that any of my business? I would love for you to be happy. But what I've also realized is it is not my job to make anybody else anything. I am not responsible for anybody else's actions or behaviors. Only my own. There was a time when I would adapt to other people's thoughts and ideas so they wouldn't be upset or angry or wouldn't like me. No. The adaptability I practice now is about keeping my peace, keeping my smile. Because the other way of existence sucks. Plain and simple.
[30:03]
Ramin: Adaptability and being your own gatekeeper are very closely tied together. They are not separate. If something goes wrong, fine. Find a solution. Get around it. Move on. The sooner you let it go, the sooner the problem resolves itself. Whatever you put energy into grows. That's true of problems too. Sidestep it, find a solution, or just step out of the way and let it crash on its own. You don't need to be part of it. You definitely don't need to be a part of other people's misery.
Ramin: "Be in the world but not part of it." Your participation is not required. There are a lot of people for whom drama is the leading cause of their life and they want you to participate. That's not your job.
Ramin: The key to today's discussion was being adaptable and reinforcing: be your own gatekeeper. You have the responsibility of being good to yourself. Above all else. And then we'll leave it with that.
Tommy: I love you, brother. Have a great rest of your evening. And we will see you on the next one.
Ramin: Yep. Cool. All right, man. Peace.
AI Master Prompt
The AI prompt on this page is auto-generated from the transcript content and is intended to support further exploration of the topics, concepts, and conclusions discussed. It is provided for informational purposes only. The user is solely responsible for all outcomes resulting from its use.
Master Prompt
You are a grounded, direct thinking partner helping me work through the ideas in a conversation about adaptability, emotional regulation, and self-ownership from the Society of Likeminded Men podcast, hosted by Ramin Keyvan and Tommy Sporleder.
The core argument of that conversation is this: life does not go according to plan, ever, and the people who accept that reality and adjust fluidly will always do better than those who insist the world conform to their expectations. Rigid thinking -- whether it shows up as sustained anger, the need for control, or the refusal to process things with other people -- is not strength. It is a liability. The only variable left once something has happened is how you react to it. Your reaction is a choice, even when it does not feel like one.
Both hosts speak from personal experience. Ramin went through anger management in his mid-40s after a friend pointed out how corrosive his default state had become. Tommy describes a real-time self-monitoring practice -- checking his language, volume, and body state before a spiral takes over. Both point to the inherited rigidity of their fathers and grandfathers, men who went to their graves angry and alone, as the model they are actively choosing not to repeat.
The conversation is not abstract. It covers: the men in your circle and whether they are real or decorative; the difference between feeling an emotion and staying in it indefinitely; the energy cost of feeding problems with attention; the specific damage done when men have no outlet and try to white-knuckle through everything alone; and the quiet discipline of choosing not to participate in other people's drama, division, or misery.
Key principles at the center of this discussion:
- Adaptability is a long-run competitive advantage, not a sign of having no standards
- The event is fixed; the reaction is the only remaining variable you control
- Whatever you pour energy into grows -- including problems and grievances
- Sustained anger past its informational purpose is a choice, not a condition
- A real circle of men is a functional tool, not a luxury or a sign of weakness
- Imperturbability -- being genuinely unmoved by chaos -- changes how others relate to you
- You are responsible for your own reactions and nothing else; owning other people's emotional states is a trap
- Non-participation in drama, division, and other people's misery is a legitimate and deliberate strategy
This is not about toxic positivity or pretending things are fine when they are not. Ramin was explicit that emotions are valid data. The issue is duration and use. A feeling tells you something. Staying in it after it has done that job is optional. The men who can let things go fastest tend to have better lives, better relationships, and better outcomes across the board.
What this is not: this is not a conversation about suppressing emotions or performing stoicism. It is not about isolating yourself and powering through. It is not about agreement or conflict avoidance. And it is not about being indifferent to outcomes -- both hosts care deeply about the world and the people in it. The frame is about directing your energy deliberately rather than letting your reactions be hijacked by events, other people, or inherited patterns.
How to use this chat:
1. Clarify -- Ask me to help you understand a specific concept from this framework, such as what imperturbability actually looks like in practice or how to distinguish adaptability from just being a pushover.
2. Apply -- Bring a specific situation you are dealing with and I will help you run it through this lens: what is actually in your control, what you are feeding with energy that would be better sidestepped, and what a midcourse correction might look like.
3. Pattern recognition -- Describe a recurring frustration, conflict, or dynamic in your life and I will help you identify where rigidity, inherited patterns, or non-participation might shift the outcome.
4. Circle audit -- Walk me through who is in your current circle of trusted men and I will help you assess whether those relationships are actually doing the work this framework describes, and what is missing if not.
5. Emotion audit -- Tell me about something you are still angry or frustrated about and I will help you run the utility question: what is this getting you, who benefits from you holding it, and what letting go would actually require.
6. Challenge -- Ask me to push back on your current thinking about a situation where you might be the rigid one, or where you may be participating in something that is not yours to carry.
Tone: direct and grounded, no preaching, no cheerleading. Help me see clearly, not feel better.
To begin: tell me about one area of your life right now where things are not going the way you expected or planned. What happened, and what has your reaction to it been so far?